Trying to kick-start my blog after OctPoWriMo proved to be a gigantic fail on my part. Do I simply not have the self discipline to keep posting without a prompt? We'll see. In the meantime, I'm doing Project Reverb 2013! Project Reverb is a blogging challenge where we "reflect on the past year and project into the next year with a prompt a day for 31 days." Sounds perfect! Let's see if I'm up to it.
I missed the first two days, so I'm playing catch-up. Better late than never, I hope.
Day 1 prompt: Where did you start 2013?
Last January seems like ages ago. A lot has happened, and I've made (and struggled with) some big decisions. It hasn't been a good year; in fact, it's been yet another unhappy year on top of several unhappy years. I keep hoping things will turn around, that I will be able to turn them around. I still hope for that, and in some ways the decisions I've made this year can be seen as a desperate attempt to change my circumstances for the better, or at least for the different.
This year has marked a major decline in my mother's condition. As I've talked about in other posts, she has Alzheimer's. At the beginning of 2013, she was still driving. I can't believe that, that she's gone from being able to drive to where she is now. Which is not to say that she's in a miserable state, it's just that her condition has progressed dramatically, or so it seems to us. January 2013 was when my sister and I realized that we needed to get some outside help to care for our mom. And we know that we are going to need more and more help. Actually, this year I can say that my sister and I have both come to terms with the situation in a way that's allowed us to be more accepting and less overwhelmed, and that's a good thing. Because the rest of my life is a mess.
Earlier this year, I decided to move to California to live with my mom and help manage her care. That decision has taken much of the stress out of the situation for me, but has added the stress of moving and grief around leaving a place I've called home for twenty years. I'm very ambivalent about this decision, and am terrified that I won't be able to create a good life there. But, I think it is possible to do so, and one of the reasons I decided to move was to make a fresh start and rearrange my priorities in a way that works for me and that allows me to explore who I am becoming more fully.
I love Seattle, and will miss it and urban life in general, not to mention my friends. But so much of my life has felt stagnant for a while now, like I've been treading water for the past several years. There have been health issues, work issues, the economy and some issues that are part of the mid-life transition. I won't go into them now except to say that my response to these challenges has not been especially strong. Instead, I've been in retreat, licking wounds both mental/emotional and physical. In doing so, I've developed some unproductive and probably unhealthy habits. I hope that by giving myself a fresh start I'll be able to blow the cobwebs off my life and out of my heart, and create a life I feel vibrantly engaged in.
I move in about two-and-a-half weeks.
wow...just wow. That is a lot. SO much. Our boats look much alike. Maybe some, much,most? of what is happening now is part of this time in our lives. It really does seem like several years of yuck doesn't it. I hope your move goes well and you find California better than you could have hoped. I want to be here for you in some small way while you do this. I feel lucky to know you.
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