Reverb13 day 5 prompt: Challenge

Thinking back on the past year, I don't think I took on any new challenges. It's sort of surprising, but for the most part I was reacting to my circumstances and my feelings about them. However, in assessing my life and thinking ahead to what the future might hold, there are ways in which I'd like to challenge myself next year and beyond.

What I really want is to be authentically myself. Does that sound weird? What else can one be? Well, one can live trying to please others, for one thing. I think it's common. We want to be liked and approved of, and there's nothing wrong with that. But when I examine why I feel like I'm not free or that I feel empty, a lot of it comes down to not being fully or even mostly self-expressed in ways that matter.

I am a creative person. I write, cook, paint, draw, make music... I've done all of these over the years. But I've never been able or willing to really put it on the line and push through my own fear of failure. Or of success.  Shrinking from the challenge of being openly creative in such a way where I'm out of my comfort zone where people can criticize me ensures that I'm splashing around in my own little pond. Pretty comfy, but in the long run not very satisfying nor much to be proud of.

Then there's the issue of worrying about choices. I have an insane amount of trouble making decisions, and worrying about what other people will think turns already muddy waters into quicksand. I dither until all of my initial enthusiasm is gone, and I end up with some watered-down version of whatever it was I wanted. Again, I need to just put it out there and ride the wave of wanting what I want, regardless of anyone else's opinion. Because, even if they disagree with me, it likely will not change our relationship. I disagree with people I love about tons of things, and am sometimes critical of them, and it doesn't change my love for them at all. To think that I am somehow different is kind of warped and narcissistic, actually.

Life is too short to worry too much about this stuff, way too short. And since there's so much we can't control, we might as well make the most of it where we can and have what we want. For 2014 I challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone. To speak my truth, face my fears, risk making a fool of myself. It doesn't have to be some gigantic endeavor; rather, it can be many small ones that make a big impact on how I feel about myself. Who knows what might open up?