What didn't work out this year? My entire summer.
I was going to have a last, glorious summer in Seattle. I was going to ride the ferris wheel, visit the farmer's market on Vashon island, hang out at all my favorite cafes, visit every restaurant I'd ever wondered about, take art classes... and on and on. I did none of those things, or the very bare minimum.
Instead, I spent loads of time reading, watching anime, eating chocolate pudding, and procrastinating (and being in denial about) moving. There are so many ways in which I could have done this better, which I touched on here, and I'm kicking myself now as I sit amidst boxes and half-empty rooms. It may or may not be a coincidence that an old back injury decided to come back to haunt me, thereby grounding me physically and emotionally. I'd elaborate, but suffice it to say that unresolved trauma leads to unconscious, fear-based reaction results in excessively self-protective behavior. I need to work on resolving this. It's an unhealthy pattern that's interfering with living my life as fully as I want to.
The question of whether or not it's okay with me that all of this happened is kind of irrelevant now. Or is it? The only thing that could make it right is if I actually learn from this, and do better next time. There are many lessons for me here, including but not limited to facing my fears, speaking my mind, and pushing myself to do what must be done even when I "don't wanna." If I can take these lessons into 2014 and beyond, and actually use the information to better myself and move past the issues, it will have been worth it.
Maybe possibly...you needed to just be in your home before you moved away from it? And what about doing all those things when you go and visit Seattle? Maybe you didn't want your memories of those things to be goodbye memories, but rather the memories you made of them before. Possible?
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about facing fear though. I get immobilized sometimes--damn near catatonic. Sometimes it is a necessary protection or recharging--sometimes it is hiding. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.
Be gentle with yourself. This is an intense time ok?
Oh, thank you J! I was so hard on myself those last weeks, and most of the summer. Now that it's passed, I can see the big picture, and you're right. I did need to process my decision over months of leave-taking. So sue me, eh?
DeleteI stand by what I said about learning the lessons from how it went though--I'd rather be more of a face-your-fears, get-it-done kind of person in general, you know? Instead of immobilized, as you say. But yes, now that the goodbye is over, I look forward to the visits! And there will be many. Maybe I'll even get over your way one of these days!