D is for Doubt. As in, that feeling of uncertainty about something. In my case, I'm feeling a lot of doubt about the future.
When I made the decision (another difficult D word) to leave Seattle and live with Mom for a while as her caregiver, I had a lot of doubt about whether it was the right thing to do. A lot of what tipped me in the direction of saying yes to it was that I needed a change. I was unhappy with my job, and my life felt stagnant and had for a while. I'm glad I did it, and wouldn't go back. As hard as it's been adjusting to the stress of caregiving, I'm busier and more challenged than I was when the days consisted of either work-TV-bed-repeat, or living alone with way too much unstructured time. I'm better off now. More stressed out, but somehow more satisfied, less drifty.
But what's next? I feel very unclear about how to get from where I am now to a place where, after this is over, I'm living something closer to what I'd really like for myself. I want fulfilling, engaging work, but am not sure what that might be. I worry about ageism in the workplace in my fifties, and whether I'll be able to start fresh in a new profession, or re-enter my former profession. Should I go back to school? If so, how will I pay for that? How can I make a successful transition from a relatively isolated life to one where I'm employed and engaged in the community?
I'm hoping I can avoid a situation where I suddenly have to scramble find a job and a place to live after we move Mom, which could happen any time in the next year or two. The question, is how do I do that?
We share/have shared many of the same doubts. I moved back to my hometown to care for my grandmother after feeling such an urge for a drastic change - only to find myself ready to leave mere weeks later. Going back home, to the place I loved so much, just wasn't the same anymore. It wasn't home. Sadly, she had a stroke a few weeks after I moved back and was placed in a nursing home until she passed. I moved two towns over at that time.and still sometimes feel like I'm searching for that 'home' I miss so much.
ReplyDeleteI also wonder about what I'm going to do in the future. I've been a stay at home mother for six years - and one day I'm going to be ready to focus on me, and I wonder if it will be too late by then. I refuse to sacrifice my children if it's not necessary, but I often wonder what would happen if something happened to my other half and I was left scrambling to care for five children. Who is going to hire someone that hasn't worked for years?
However, I think that all we can do is just cross those bridges when we get there. I wish you the best as you try to find your place in the world again...Life has a funny way of leading us in the best direction if we listen.
One of the best cures for doubt is to stay in the moment. Take care of what's in front of you right now, and then tackle the next thing. Do not futureize.
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