Oops, a day late with this one. I somehow thought that we didn't post on Saturday and Sunday; turns out that it's only Sunday that we don't post.
E is for Exhaustion. I'm exhausted today. Part of it is that I woke up around 3:30 and didn't quite get back to sleep. Part of it is that sometimes I just feel overwhelmed by everything involved with caregiving, and need to just veg for a day. Except that I still need to prepare meals, give meds and do dishes. And a part of me always needs to be vigilant in case Mom starts getting into stuff. For example, flushing garbage down the toilet, misplacing or throwing away kitchen items, or worse, wandering off. I'd love to take a nap, but I'd hate myself if I got up later and she was two miles down the highway (this actually happened in January).
E is also for Embarrassment, which is what I felt at the grocery store earlier today. I was standing in the checkout line spacing out, Mom holding on to the cart behind me, when I noticed the woman in front of us. She was about my age, and also wearing a black, long-sleeved t-shirt and jeans. And... carrying the exact same black handbag. It hit me that here were two middle-aged women who were obviously, painfully stuck in the 80s/early 90s black hole, fashion-wise. B is for Boring. I really hope this is the fashion watershed that I've been waiting for, because if it isn't, there's no hope for me. Please excuse me while I throw out all of my black t-shirts and hunt for a new handbag.
I'm right there with you stuck in the 80s/90s. Probably worse. I still wear big skirts, dr who tshirts and chucks. I gave up and became eccentric. It's kind of freeing. I'm sure you look as gorgeous as ever and it sounds timeless actually not stuck. I have a small idea about the exhaustion, it sounds much like caring for a child. Emotionally that must be much harder because she isn't a child but your mother. I admire you so much for what you are doing and I hope you get to rest.
ReplyDelete"It's classic" is what we tell ourselves, but when I got a look at that woman and realized that, damn, that's what I am dressing like, I thought she looked boring and very middle-class in a not-good way. If that makes sense.
DeleteI would much rather be eccentric! I see a lot of eccentric looks here, and like it. I just need to figure it out. Chucks are awesome! I need insoles for them now though. ;-)
Yes, it does seem like caring for Mom is a lot like having a 170-lb toddler sometimes. We have some things in the works that I'm hoping will free up a lot more of my time so I can focus on other things. I'm starting to feel some burnout. Already.
Christine, my heart goes out to you. My mother suffered from Alz for 16 years before it took her, and even then, had she not been transferred to a different adult care home, she might still be ... living, so to speak. I would urge you to see what resources are available in your state to put her in a nursing home or adult care facility. You will not be able to cope with doing this for years and years. Or perhaps the caregiver that helps could work more hours. Your health and survival is more important than your mother's. I don't mean to sound cruel when referring to your mother, but I've been through this. This nightmare played out in my family for YEARS.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by! We (my sister and I) do not plan to let this go on indefinitely. I'm living with her partly to keep her in her home while it's still feasible, and to help us financially. However, she's declining quickly and I think we'll need/want to put her in a facility sometime next year.
DeleteI know I'll want to, for all the reasons you cite in your comment! I can't do this for more than a year, two tops. I've only been here for a few months and am already getting burnout.