A to Z challenge: Anxiety

And so it begins, the A to Z challenge! Let it be good.

Not quite sure how to kick this off, but I'm going to jump right in with

A-N-X-I-E-T-Y. 

I am an anxious person. I think that a lot of people would be surprised to know that, because people often describe me as a calm person, chill and unruffled. Well, that might be what it looks like from outside, but the inside contains a cauldron boiling over with of what-ifs, tension, and stress. I try to control it, and sometimes I'm successful. I'll enjoy a good ride of positivity for a while, and then it's back. The doubt, indecision, and intrusive thoughts that drag me down when I can least afford to feel freaked out.

I've tried meditation, therapy, thought-stopping techniques (these work pretty well actually), and a fairly moderate lifestyle. All of it helps somewhat, but I'm still anxious, and still looking for a way to break free of it. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

I have not tried medication. Not because I have anything against it, not really, but... I'm a little scared of it. Part of being anxious is being worried about the side effects of everything you put in your mouth. And I worry that it will make me into an emotionless zombie, dampen my creativity (what's left of it) and kill my libido (ditto). The hormonal joyride of perimenopause is hard enough on those things without adding anything that might further deplete my remaining vitality, to which I cling desperately.

However, my father was an anxious person, more so than I am. I come by it naturally, I guess. I've often wondered what it would have been like if he'd had the benefit of therapy and/or medication. I think it might have helped him a lot. I also wonder what affect it might have had on our family. Would we have been a happier family if he'd been less anxious? I can't help but think that maybe we would have. And then I wonder why, if I think that medication would have helped him, I deny myself the chance to find out if it might help me.

I'm aware that I have got a lot of company. There are a lot of anxious people out there, and I'd say that many if not most are a lot more anxious than I am. By and large, I just deal with it; it just is. It's how I am, how the world is. But I do remember being less anxious in the past, and would like to get back to being a happier person. I don't want anxiety to become the new normal.