~~~
One Thanksgiving
November is coming.
November is coming.
Thanksgiving, a time to eat and
give thanks. And also the anniversary of
my dad's death.
I was supposed to see him in just a week or so,
even though I'd been wondering,
every time I waved goodbye at the airport,
when would be the last. That it might be this time.
Well, that time it was.
The phone rang around 4:30 AM. It was Mom,
and she sounded terribly strange.
I could hear the medics in the background.
It sounded very busy, and I heard them ask for his date of birth.
I told myself he'd be okay, but I knew, I just knew.
When my aunt called later to say that Dad had died,
it was like being in a dream.
A dream where I made an airplane reservation for that afternoon,
where I packed a bag and called my friends
whose party I'd planned to attend.
I cried then, and it felt less like a dream.
The airport was mercifully quiet.
Thanksgiving, after all.
Not many people fly on the actual holiday.
I wondered if there were others
like me, going home to grieve.
When my sister met me at
the other end, we were dry-eyed.
Made small-talk, very matter-of-fact.
Still dreaming, I guess.
At last I walked into my parent's house.
My mother's house.
I sagged onto her shoulders,
and my sister sagged onto mine,
and we were all sobbing together,
wide awake.
This Thanksgiving I will go
to my friends' party. I will go
gladly, truly thankful for
friendship and laughter. And pie.
I grieved. I grieved, and then
I learned to walk with the grief.
I made peace with it.
And that's okay.
wow, nicely done. So much emotion there. Im glad you feel as though you've grieved appropriately... its so hard when it coincides with a major holiday. My dad died on a holiday as well and for a lot of my family it just pollutes the day... we try in my side of the clan to have a moment to remember the really great stuff about him and focus on having a great day... Happy thanksgiving this year!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I was a little nervous about putting this out there.
DeleteYes, it did kind of ruin the holiday for a few years. This year, four years out, I feel like I'm truly letting go, as it will be the first Thanksgiving I'm choosing to spend with friends instead of family. I checked in with my sis first though, and she's fine too. I'll have a private moment, raise a glass to him, probably cry a bit. But I do plan to celebrate with renewed gratitude!
Christine, this was beautiful. The pain lingers, but as you so aptly put, we learn to walk with the grief. My brother died in an auto accident the week after Thanksgiving 22 years ago. He's now been gone longer than he was here. I miss him every day, but through poetry and art and staying connected to friends and family, I walk easier with my own grief. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable in this poem.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. I don't know how I'd go on without my sister. With parents, you kind of expect it. But a sibling... you must be brave indeed. What other alternative is there, I guess? I suppose that loss is part of life, but still. May you continue to find moments of peace and joy on your path!
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